An empty shell and a fading soul

Taking back the words she said
The words that cause their friendship
To end in this way
She take back her life
Her heart, her soul
That she had given to him
But knowing that she will be never gud enough for him
Again she hide my feelings
Again she cry at night
Again she try to shut herself in darkness
But the voice whispers in her mind
Telling her there will be a reward soon
Waiting in the future,
Waiting for her to arrive there
Holding its hands out wide
Welcoming her with love and kindness
Here again she shut herself into darkness
She shut her life into a black universe
She held an invisible knife
Stabbing down into her soul
Killing another part of her pure soul
Killing the human in her
Killing the person she once was again
No longer she’ll have love, emotion or anger
All she is a little doll
With dark past
Who stab into her soul
To become what people want her to be
To be good enough
For people to acknowledge her
For people to love her
But with an empty shell
And a fading soul

Am I dead or alive?

What do you think when the whole world is against you. Even Mother Nature turns her face away from you. I heard people say before that when you are going to die, your life will flash back like pages before your eyes, is it true? No one knew. For me I hated myself, I hated my life no matter what I try to do I never seem to be good enough. Yes the fact is that there are always greater people and better people in the world. But it seem that every corner I turn there is always this type of people waiting for me. My life is surrounded by people with brains and the right attitude that will make every parent proud, but what am I suppose to do in this world when everyone I see is better than me?
This is my life and it has been ruined since I was a child. You see when I was 4 years old; my mom took me to a Yamaha music school in a shopping mall. I was thrill and excited, my parents put me into a pre-primary school and guess what I didn’t even cry on my first day like other kids. I know I was strong and I don’t like to show my weakness to anyone. I thought I am the best among them, I score good grades. What you expect? It’s kina garden! I mean which kids won’t get good results!? So I thought I got all the smart brains like every other people, but guess what everything shatter as I grow up. Follow my brother’s footstep I got into the same primary school as him, a Chinese primary school. Again I didn’t cry at the first day I got there, I even make friends! She was a smart girl too, we are close but things happen between us making us separating into different groups. Being the top 5 in class, slowly I drop. The pressure gets stronger and stronger. As it grew I couldn’t help myself but drop. Every time I see people getting smarter and better it irritate me because I couldn’t be like them. I continued my studies blindly only following my dream of becoming a musician. The way the notes plays around my head and give me encouragement I needed in my life. But at some point I just want to give up my life. I held the knife slowly cutting my wrist; I just want to end my life in this world. The sight of me losing to everyone is just taking me to a level that I hate the world around me.
What can I do? The world is cruel anyway. No matter how much I hated my life or my soul there isn’t anything I could do. The knife just sat there in front of me, begging me to use it, to cut down my wrist to let the blood flow in please. But there is always something stopping me, a voice telling me there is much more to see in the world. That I’m not useless like I think I am, I know it’s true but the pressure are just killing me. And again I put the knife away thinking I could just ignore the pressure once more. I tried finding happiness in my life, I tried loving people and caring for them but it seems that none of them understand my pain. I felt lock up in my cage, my wings being cut away not allowing me to fly. Everyone have their moment to fly someone again whisper in my mind. So I waited for the time to arrive for my life to be free. Years pass after years, the older I grew the pressure just keep coming on. I tried to turn away from this but it always coming back. I change my attitude, and they go scolding me. “Where did the Cleo I knew go?” they always asked me this question. But I wonder again did I really go anywhere? Or is this what they cause me to be? I have totally no idea what I have become. How much I want to answer them that this is me! I am their daughter! But all I could do is stay in silent whisper that I’m already dead.
I grew older knowing that I could no longer be a smart girl anymore. I concentrate more in music as I love music. Music has been with me since I was a child the smoothing music can calm my heart. I know music is beautiful in many ways, but for me music is just like my life. I learn my music until I finish my grade 8 exams and taking diploma too. I fight with music I use music to fight away the evil thoughts around me. But soon it was shattered again. Another person my mom meet her child is a pro in music. She studies music and was success in life. Batter than anyone can be, again someone is better than me. Everything I try to impress them, there is always some bloody people coming into my life and shatter my dreams with a knife. Again the knife stood there in front of me; again I tried to end my life at that moment. I cut myself feeling the pain knowing that I’m alive and not dead. And there again a part of me is dead again. I hide my emotion, I hide my feelings, I hide my pain only letting me feel the pain once in a while to remind myself I’m still alive. As trap as ever, my wings are cut again, a knife stab into my wings and nailed me into the wall. I flap my wings trying to fly but the pain just throb my heart and mind. Another part of me in killed again, so am I dead or alive? Or should I just end my life to stop this miserable life that I’m going through? Or should I keep on listening to the voice whispering in my mind? Keep on living or end my life?

stop pushing me around
stop giving me orders
stop all the things you are planning
cause i'm sick being your doll
obeying your rule
obeying your style
i have my life you live
i have my world to rule
stop forcing me into your dream world
stop making me hu u wan me 2 be
stop puttin hopes on me
cause i can never be
the one u can be proud of

You have such an alluring face,
that keeps my heart beating...
starring at you,
at a long-term gaze,
is an awe-inspiring feeling.
I'd give anything,
to be with you;
a wish-fulfilling prayer...
I know my request will not come true;
all I want is to breathe your air.
You glimpsed at me,
from across the room;
If only you knew what I was thinking...
See that my love is a spreading fume,
it feels like my heart is singing.
Every beat would tell you a story,
on how much you mean to me...
On how you're my pride,
my joy and glory;
this feeling is a boundless loving spree.

nothing is just as they said

everything i've done is just not enough

i said many times that this will end

but you sat at the above just won't stop

giving me different challenges

and not giving me strength

you took all of them away

all my love and happiness

you took my heart away

you took my soul away

now you left me as an empthy shell

so where did my heart go?

where did you put my soul?

i'm so empthy inside

i'm so crumble inside

safe me

i'm really dying now....

if only the mighty God could hear

my plead and request

to guide me through here

to guide him through his days

to wait for my return

if he could talk to me

i'll plead him to tears

to make him wait

to make him stay

if he could hear me

as i pray and plead

oh God who rule the heaven and earth

please help me

i need your mercy and kindness

to shower on me with ur smile

please sent your angels down

to guide me through

help me to make him smile

for i plead you

missed....

AH!!!! i miss them so much!!!! the freedom the live without nagging and scolding!!!!!